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(a Real Ghostbusters/Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction)
Below is the partial story Ms. Marrs has sent me. She is working on the complete story. When it is finished, she will send it to me. Ms. Marrs wishes for Spook Central to be the exclusive distributor of her story.
This is a MSTing of the Real Ghostbusters episode "Poultrygeist" written by Duane Capizzi and Steven Roberts. It has been transcribed by Paul Rudoff. I decided to start this project thinking it would be funny to see the Real Ghostbusters make fun of one of their own episodes. The reason I chose this one, to be perfectly honest, was because it was the only transcribed episode I could find.
Without further ado, I present this work.
by Brandy Marrs
based on characters created by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis
original script written by Duane Capizzi and Steven Roberts
original script copyright © 1988 Columbia Pictures Television
All rights reserved.
MSTing copyright © 1998 Brandy Marrs
All rights reserved. Used with permission.
We see a familiar brown jumpsuit clad arm fling itself on the command center desk. Another arm appears and we see Peter Venkman pull himself into view. He leans against the desk and shakes his head.
|
(moaning) |
| Did someone get the license number of that Mac truck? |
|
noticing his environment.) |
| Hey, where am I? |
Suddenly, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore pull themselves up next to Peter.
|
|
| Right now my head feels like the inside of a pressure cooker. |
|
|
| Where are we, Pete? |
|
|
| I have no idea. Hey, where's Ray? |
|
(Coming on from stage left) |
| Isn't this place great? |
Everyone jumps and looks at him.
|
|
| Where were you? |
|
|
| I was walking around the satellite. |
|
|
| Satellite? |
|
|
| You're saying that we're floating around somewhere in space right now? |
|
|
| I've got to get a better travel agent. |
|
(whipping out the ever present P.K.E. meter) |
| Fascinating. Do you know how we got up here? |
|
|
| Not really. The weird thing is this reminds me of a show I watch, "Mystery Science Theater 3000." |
|
|
| It's the one with the guy and two robots making fun of bad movies, right? |
|
|
| Yeah. |
|
|
| And you would know about this how? |
|
|
| I watch it with him on Saturdays. |
|
|
| Really? How long has this been going on? |
|
|
| A couple months. |
|
|
| How come I never knew? |
|
|
| Remember the gameshow and Dib? |
|
|
| Oh, yeah. |
The lights on the desk and above the door behind them begin to flash.
|
|
| What do we do? |
|
|
| Push the button and wait for the transmission. |
Peter pushes the button and the Ghostbusters eagerly look into the camera.
THE BASEMENT UNDER AN EPA BUILDING
A mysterious figure is messing around with a small box. The figure turns revealing the Ghostbusters' old enemy...Walter Peck!
|
|
| Ha! It works. I knew it would. |
SATELLITE OF SLIME
|
|
| Peck! |
|
|
| What do you want with us? |
EPA BASEMENT
|
|
| Nothing much, except your sanity! [Laughs evilly] You see, ever since I was kicked out of the EPA I've been scheming ways to destroy you, and I've found the ultimate in torture... |
SOS
|
|
| You're gonna make us watch bad movies, aren't you? |
EPA BASEMENT
|
(thoroughly confused) |
| Yes, how do you know? No matter, you won't be limited to movies. You'll have books, TV shows, fanfiction, usenet posts, and more to contend with. And I'm not alone in this plan. I've teamed up with another one of your foes -- Toley! |
|
and calls for Toley.) |
| Toley! Toley! Where are you? |
|
|
| I can't seem to find Toley. |
Peck wanders around and finds a note.
|
|
| Wonder what this is. "Dear Walter, I'm not going to be part of your miserable and stupid human schemes, you are not worthy of my time--" Damn him! Wait a minute, he's a demon, he's already damned. |
|
|
| I'll just do this alone then. Now, get on with this week's Invention Exchange. |
SOS
|
|
| What's he talking about? |
|
|
| Every week the host has to come up with some new gadget to annoy the guy downstairs. |
|
|
| But we don't have anything. |
|
|
| Sure we do. Egon is always working on something, I'll bet he has an invention. |
|
|
| You are correct, Raymond. I was working on several inventions before our abduction. |
|
|
| Could you do the Invention Exchange then? |
|
|
| All right. |
|
from under the desk.) |
| My invention this week is an atomic destabilizer ... |
|
|
| NO! Not that! Bad thing! etc. |
|
|
| What? |
|
|
| Set it down, homeboy and no one gets hurt. |
|
(setting the invention down) |
| I honestly don't see what all of you are so upset about. |
|
|
| Two words Egon: Transparent Man. |
|
|
| Oh. Well, I have another invention ready. |
He puts the atomic destablizer under the table.
|
|
| Okay, what is it? |
|
|
| It's a ... |
|
out from under the desk) |
| ... Fungal Dissector. |
|
|
| Okay. What does it do? |
Ray and Peter look at him in horror and Egon settles his glasses onto his face. He lifts a finger in the air and goes into lecture mode.
|
|
| It starts out by counting and collecting various species of thallogen and then ... |
|
(whispering to Winston) |
| You see what you've done! |
|
|
| That was really dumb. |
EPA BASEMENT
|
(His face is twitching and he laughs weakly. Suddenly regaining his composure he talks swiftly.) |
| Your torture this week is an episode of a wildly popular TV series from the eighties. And no, it's not "Family Matters" or "Full House." It's something that'll seem very ... familiar. Enjoy! |
SOS
Egon is still lecturing and the others have fallen asleep.
|
|
| And furthermore ... |
A klaxon alarm goes off and lights start to flash, waking the others. Ray looks up wide-eyed and shares a look with Winston.
|
|
| We've got TV Script Sign! |
|
|
| What?! |
Ray smacks a button and Winston shoves Peter off left. Ray grabs Egon's arm and drags the still talking physicist into the theater.
DOOR SEQUENCE
They go into the theater and sit, from left to right: Egon, Peter, Ray, and Winston.
|
|
| Isn't he one of Santa's reindeer? |
|
|
| Not really, they just made that one up for kids. The others are real though. |
|
(skeptically) |
| Oh, really? |
Ray nods.
|
(leaning over and whispering to Egon) |
| What have you been telling him? |
|
(looking at P.K.E. and totally oblivious) |
| About what? |
Peter sighs
|
|
| This must have been what Peck meant about being familiar. |
|
|
| They're heeerrrreee! |
Duane Capizzi
and
Steven Roberts
|
(as Archer Bunker) |
| Huh, an Italian and a regular American. Looks like a balanced ticket. |
|
|
| A day that will live in infamy. |
ACT ONE
|
|
| Scene Twenty-three and a third. |
EXT. -- A FARMHOUSE OUTSIDE NEW YORK CITY -- NIGHT
|
(as writer) |
| Let's see, "It was a dark and stormy night." Brilliant! |
On the farmhouse roof a CHICKEN-SHAPED WEATHERVANE ...
|
|
| Why do they need to yell? We're right in front of them. |
... stands silhouetted against a FULL, BLOOD-RED MOON.
|
(as Joker) |
| Have you ever danced with the Devil in the red moonlight? |
The wind HOWLS and the vane swivels with an EERIE SQUEAK.
|
|
| Hmm, needs oil. |
Then a weird ANIMAL CRY is heard--a cross between a chicken CROWING and a wolf HOWLING.
|
|
| Sounds like Col. Sanders worst nightmare. |
|
|
| (A CROWING HOWL) |
CHICKEN PEN
A fenced-in dirt area with numerous CHICKENS milling around, ...
|
|
| Yes, one would expect to find chickens in a chicken pen. |
... CLUCKING as they peck ...
|
|
| (grumble) |
... at the ground.
|
(ANOTHER HOWL, nearer now) |
The chickens' heads jerk up toward the sound.
|
(as chickens) |
| It's Col. Sanders! |
WERECHICKEN'S POV -- MOVING
A RED-tinted, shaky, MOVING CAMERA TRUCK-IN on the chickens.
|
|
| Seems the werechicken's been going a little heavy on the Jack Daniels. |
(These shots are in the style of the POV SHOTS in WOLFEN.) Magnified GURGLING and HEAVY BREATHING of Werechicken is heard.
|
|
| (GURGLING, HEAVY BREATHING) |
|
|
| Sounds like Cluck Vader. |
|
(as Darth Vader) |
| Luke, [cluck] join the Dark Side. |
The terrified chickens stare INTO CAMERA ...
|
(as chickens) |
| AAAHHHH! It's Alan Funt! |
... as the Werechicken moves closer, his shadow falling over them. They flap into their coop, SQUAWKING wildly.
INT. -- FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
MAUDE ...
|
|
| (cluck the theme to The Mod Squad) |
|
|
| It's the Mod Squad starring Bea Arthur! |
|
|
| It's the Mod Squad starring Bea Arthur! |
... and ZEKE sit on the sagging couch ...
|
|
| Ewww. |
... watching a werewolf movie on TV while munching popcorn from a huge bowl. They're distracted by CHICKENS SQUAWKING.
|
|
| They're feeling a little henpecked. |
|
|
| (groan) |
|
|
| Sump'n's stirrin' up the chickens, Maude. |
|
(ala Doctor, Doctor) |
| I'm gonna milk the cows now, Ma. |
|
|
| Jes' set easy, Zeke. |
|
|
| I'll take a look-see. |
Zeke continues staring at TV.
|
(sings) |
| We're gonna make a couch potato outa you! |
EXT. FARMHOUSE -- NIGHT -- WERECHICKEN'S POV
Through the Werechicken's red eyes, we see a distant image of Maude with a flashlight, approaching the fenced-in chicken pen and opening the gate. CAMERA STARTS MOVING IN ...
|
|
| Step by step, inch by inch. |
... toward Maude as she enters, leaving gate open.
|
|
| (GURGLING, HEAVY BREATHING) |
|
(as Werechicken) |
| Must ... have ... gargle. |
ANGLE WITHIN CHICKEN PEN
|
|
| Let's see, there's an ink cartage and some chicken feathers. Get it? Chicken pen. |
|
|
| (groan) |
The dirt compound is empty now as Maude crosses toward wooden chicken coop.
|
(as she goes) |
| Here, chick-chick-chick-chick. |
|
(as Maude) |
| I have a nice little stew pot for you to go in. Heh, heh, heh. |
INT. CHICKEN COOP -- OTS MAUDE
AS Maude ENTERS from OUT OF CAMERA, her flashlight beam illuminates the chickens cowering on their roosts in a corner. They CLUCK nervously.
|
(as Maude) |
| Zeke's been at you girls again, huh? |
Ray looks horrified and Peter raises an eyebrow.
|
|
| What's got you girls so durned upset? There a coyote sneakin' 'round? |
|
(as Wile E. Coyote) |
| Yes, Wile E. Coyote, super genius! |
Suddenly the Werechicken's shadow moves up Maude's back, then the wall.
|
|
| Isn't he getting rather personal? |
|
|
| (Low, gutteral CLU-UCK) |
|
(deeply) |
| Bwok, bwok, bwok. |
Maude looks over her shoulder AT CAMERA, reacts.
|
(as Maude) |
| Gasp! Who does your hair?! |
|
|
| (GASP!) |
MAUDE'S POV -- THE WERECHICKEN
Red-eyed, grotesque, three times the size of an ordinary rooster ...
|
|
| It's Peter when he first wakes up in the morning. |
... as it stands framed in the moonlit doorway. It opens its fanged beak in a horrifying SHRIEK as it springs AT CAMERA, wings flapping.
|
|
| (Frightening SHRIEK) |
INT. FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM - CLOSE ON TV
Old black-and-white movie. MELODRAMATIC MUSIC ...
|
|
| As opposed to phlegmatic music? |
... as a man turns into a werewolf, his HOWL a continuation of the previous Werechicken SHRIEK.
|
|
| Sounds like Peter when he finds a gray hair. |
|
|
| What gray hairs?! |
|
|
| (eerie HOWL) |
WIDER ANGLE - ZEKE
Continues watching TV and eating popcorn. Maude walks stiffly into room behind him, eyes staring blankly.
|
|
| Not a new state for her. |
|
(as Maude) |
| Resistance ... is ... futile. You ... will ... be ... assimilated. |
|
(without looking up) |
| Everythin' okay out there, Maude? |
WAIST SHOT -- MAUDE
|
(as Zeke) |
| Getting a little thick around the middle, ain't 'cha? |
She stares with glassy, red eyes and CLUCKS quietly.
|
(as Maude) |
| Fully stuff and bread him? I will obey. |
|
|
| (CLUCKS) |
|
|
| What say? |
PAN DOWN below Maude's waist to reveal that she's turning into a chicken from the feet up. First her shoes RIP apart as large, yellow chicken feet sprout. Then her dress SWELLS and SPLITS, revealing a large, ...
|
|
| I'm afraid you're much too young to see this, Raymond. |
He reaches across Peter and covers Ray's eyes.
|
|
| Egon! |
...feathered body underneath. The only piece of clothing left on her is her apron. One foot scratches the floor.
|
(as Zeke) |
| Not my good oak flooring! |
Egon takes his hand away from Ray's face. Ray gives him the raspberry.
|
|
| (more CLUCKS) |
WIDER ANGLE -- FULLSHOT OF MAUDE-CHICKEN
Now completely transformed and six feet tall, she leaps up to perch on back of couch, THRUSTING ...
Ray catches Egon's hand before it finds its target. Egon withdraws it.
... her chicken head repeatedly into the popcorn bowl in Zeke's lap, pecking the bowl clean. Zeke's jaw hangs open, speechless, as he stares at the fanged, drooling, six-foot Werechicken.
|
|
| El Pollo gone horribly wrong. |
|
(as Zeke) |
| You've never looked better, Maude. |
The Werechicken looks up from the empty bowl, right in Zeke's terrified eyes.
|
(as Maude-Chicken) |
| What, you don't like my new look? |
|
|
| (SCREAMS) |
He scrambles ...
|
|
| Interesting, an unintentional egg pun. |
... backwards off the couch.
EXT. FARMHOUSE -- NIGHT - WERECHICKEN'S POV
SCENE RED-tinted. We hear loud SQUAWKING from within house as chicken feathers fly out the open windows.
|
|
| I think Farmer Zeke's having a bit too much fun in there. |
|
(shocked) |
| What is with you guys today? |
|
(YELLING) |
| Get away!' Scat! Shoo! |
|
|
| Gesundheit. |
|
|
| (loud SQUAWKING) |
CLOSE ANGLE -- WERECHICKEN
Watching from slight hilltop. Its beak seems to bend into an insidious grin.
|
(as Werechicken) |
| In just a matter of moments, the Tyson Corporation will be mine! |
|
(from distance) |
| Help!... He-elp! |
|
(as The Fly) |
| Help me! He-elp me! |
EXT. ESTABLISHING -- GHOSTBUSTERS HQ - NIGHT
|
|
| Now that we've established that let's move on, shall we? |
As CAMERA MOVES IN, we hear:
|
|
| Egon, could you hold off on the weather balloon bit for a minute? |
|
(as Egon) |
| But it's the closing number for my Broadway musical! |
INT. -- LABORATORY -- ON PETER AND RAY
|
|
| No! The lab's caved in on us! |
They stand holding big plastic bags of trash, obviously annoyed at the O.S. Egon.
|
|
| Offensive Smelling Egon? |
Ray's armful of trash is piled so high that he can't see over it.
|
(teasing) |
| What kind of trash are they talking about Ray? |
Ray scoots away from him.
SLIMER hovers behind, sticking his nose in one of the bags like a dog. He finally dives right into it.
|
|
| It's Your ... |
|
|
| Ray's finally become a god. |
|
|
| ... night to take out the trash. |
|
|
| If you insist, Peter. |
He stands up and pulls Peter up. Ray pushes Peter off right. Peter walks back on, very annoyed.
|
|
| Cute, Ray. |
|
|
| And Winston's in the kitchen doing your dishes. |
|
|
| And Louis is doing our tax returns. |
Everyone looks at Egon.
|
|
| Really? |
|
|
| Yes. |
Peter looks obviously distressed.
|
(whispering to Ray and Winston) |
| Remind me to change accountants when we get home. |
ANGLE ON EGON
|
|
| And circle on Winston. |
|
|
|
|
| (groan) |
|
|
| Egon's the only guy I know who would make a *geometry* joke. |
He's busy testing his WEATHER BALLOON--a large, pink bubble half the size of the room.
|
|
| So Egon's weather balloon is made out of Bubble Yum? |
|
|
| Real scientific, homeboy. |
He moves a lever on its remote control unit and the balloon rises.
|
|
| _The Balloon Also Rises_. |
|
(preoccupied; through above) |
| Be with you in ... |
|
|
| ... one minute, fifty-three seconds. |
|
(as The Brain) |
| And the world will be mine! |
|
|
| How'd you do that? |
ANOTHER ANGLE
|
|
| Another dollar. |
Peter and Ray exchange pained glances.
|
(as Dr. Smith) |
| Oh, the pain. The pain! |
Peter awkwardly attempts to pick up another trash bag while Ray stumbles around, his vision blocked. PAN WITH THEM ...
|
|
| As in Peter Pan, or the shepherd god Pan? |
... as they move toward door when Egon's weather balloon suddenly lowers INTO FRAME. They bounce into and off of it, which sends the trash bags flying.
|
|
| Whee! |
|
|
| (AD-LIB REACTIONS as they bounce off balloon) |
|
|
| Owie, owie, owie! |
|
(as George Jetson) |
| Jane, stop this crazy thing! |
|
|
| Geronimo! |
|
(as Wizard) |
| I don't know how this works! Goodbye, folks! |
NEW ANGLE
|
|
| What happened to the old one? |
Peter stumbles backwards and lands butt-first right on one of the bags.
|
|
| (snicker) |
Slimer SQUEALS from within it.
|
|
| Gonna make him squeal like a pig! |
|
|
| (big muffled SQUEAL) |
Then he comes shooting out the back of the bag, the lower half of his body flat as a Frisbee.
|
(laughs) |
| Ah, physical humor. |
|
|
| I don't get it. |
SLIMER
Shakes himself off like a dog, spraying slime all over Peter.
|
(pissed; sarcastic) |
| Thanks, Slimer. I really needed that! |
|
(bitter) |
| Like a hole in the head. |
|
|
| Sorreee! |
|
(singing as Slimer) |
| With the fringe on top! |
|
|
| Don't do that! |
ANOTHER ANGLE
Ray helps Peter up as the telephone RINGS and RINGS.
|
(irritated) |
| Egon! The phone! |
|
|
| Sorry, Egon isn't in right now, if you care to leave your name and number -- |
|
|
| Cute, Winston. |
ON EGON
|
|
| Who's on Egon? |
|
|
| First base! |
The RINGING phone is right beside him on the workbench.
|
(preoccupied with remote controls) |
|
(teasing) |
| This isn't familiar at all ... |
|
|
| In a minute, Ray. |
ANGLE ON WINSTON
He ENTERS with sleeves rolled up, wiping a plate with a dish towel and wearing an apron.
|
(snickering) |
| Do you know how manly you look with that apron on? |
|
|
| Shut up. |
|
(sarcastic) |
| Nevermind, Egon, wouldn't want you to strain yourself. |
|
|
| You don't have to be so nasty about it. |
|
(picks up phone) |
| Ghostbusters Central. |
|
(as Winston) |
| You haunt 'em, we bust 'em. |
|
|
| (excited CHATTER) |
|
|
| Calm down... Where are you?... |
|
(as Winston) |
| What the? That's disgusting, you pervert! |
|
(a BEAT as he listens) |
| We'll be right there. |
He hangs up.
WIDER ANGLE
|
|
| To 135 degrees. |
Peter and Ray again have their arms full of trash bags. Even Slimer is dragging one.
|
|
| Ready for this one? |
|
|
| Do we have any choice? |
|
|
| Some farmer says his wife was eaten by a giant chicken. |
|
(chuckles) |
| Those farmers and their LSD. |
|
|
| Hey, even a half-baked false alarm sounds better than doing Egon's chores. |
|
|
| Let's roll! |
|
(as himself) |
| But the trash and stuff--the heck with it! |
Ray and Slimer also abandon their trash bags and EXIT with Peter and Winston.
REAR VIEW ON EGON
|
|
| Could you please turn the camera? |
still oblivious as he works in the suddenly empty room.
|
|
| This is going to turn into an Egon-torture episode, isn't it? |
|
|
| I think I've finally perfected it. Watch this, guys. |
|
around over shoulder) |
| Guys? |
|
(as Egon) |
| No one's here. Time to call Janine for those lambada lessons. |
|
|
|
|
| AAH! Where'd the picture go?! |
EXT. -- COUNTRY ROAD - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT
|
(as cameraguy) |
| Is it dark? |
|
(as other cameraguy) |
| Yup. |
|
(same) |
| It's night. |
ECTO-1 roars INTO CAMERA, siren and lights going.
INT. -- ECTO 1 -- MOVING
The Ghostbusters, minus Egon, are wearing their gear. Slimer hovers in back seat.
|
|
| Terrific, I've been replaced by a green blob of ectoplasm. |
|
|
| It sure feels strange not having Egon with us. |
|
(as himself) |
| Yeah, he loves chicken. |
|
(sarcastic) |
| Why? Lately even when he's with us, he's not with us. |
|
|
| Run that by me again? |
ON WINSTON
Driving.
|
|
| But wouldn't it be somethin' if he sells that weather balloon idea of his? He'll be a rich man! |
|
(sings) |
| If I were a rich man! |
ON PETER
Arms folded, grumpily.
|
(teasing) |
| Is little Petey feeling tired? |
|
|
| Good. Then he can hire a maid to do his share of the chores. |
|
|
| But I already have one. |
|
|
| Who? |
|
(smiles) |
| Peter. |
EXT. -- ECTO 1 -- NIGHT
|
|
| Haven't we established this already? |
As it speeds OUT OF CAMERA toward distant farmhouse, PAN OVER TO the apron-wearing Maude-Chicken silhouetted in the moonlight, nesting in a haystack.
|
(as announcer) |
| And here we can see the majestic Maude-Chicken's beautiful plumage. |
MOVE IN TO --
CLOSER ANGLE ON MAUDE-CHICKEN
Her body starts to shake, she ruffles her wings.
|
(as Maude-Chicken) |
| Forget this, I'm going out dancing! |
|
|
| (Egg-laying CLUCKS) |
Then she suddenly sits up and leaps off the haystack, revealing an enormous egg beneath her. Maude SQUAWKS and CLUCKS and struts off into a cornfield, pecking away at ears of corn.
|
|
| And is immediately killed by religious fanatic children. |
|
|
| (SQUAWKS and CLUCKS) |
INT. -- FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Ray, Winston and Slimer listen seriously as Zeke speaks, but Peter's obviously not buying it.
|
(as Peter) |
| Nope, I'm not interested in life insurance right now. |
|
|
| Had big blood-red eyes, it did. Biggest dang chicken I ever seen. Mebbe six feet tall. |
|
(as Zeke) |
| Hangs around with a rabbit named Harvey. |
Peter rolls his eyes.
|
|
| Right out of his head and onto the floor. |
|
|
| Shouldn't be hard to find. |
RAY
is jotting info on notepad.
|
(as Ray) |
| Loaf of bread, stick of butter, gallon of milk. |
|
|
| Did it have any distinguishing marks? |
|
(as himself) |
| Any interesting tattoos? |
ANOTHER ANGLE
|
|
| Ray! It's six feet tall! |
Peter grabs Ray's arm, starts ushering him to front door.
|
(as Peter) |
| Please sir, stay in your seat! |
|
(over shoulder as he goes) |
| Thank you, Sir. We'll put out a missing chicken report right away. |
|
(as Peter) |
| Murry, put out an APB on a six-foot chicken. |
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
As the three Ghostbusters and Slimer cross toward Ecto-1 parked in front.
|
(as they go) |
| This one's easy, guys. Old Zeke's been watchin' too many horror movies and eating too much greasy popcorn. |
|
|
| Not to mention KFC. |
CLOSER ANGLE -- MOVING
|
|
| No, Peter, I think we're dealing with a bonafide werechicken here. |
CLOSER ANGLE
|
|
| Any closer and we'll have to file a restraining order. |
Peter and Winston stop, look at Ray in disbelief.
|
|
| A werechicken? |
|
(as himself) |
| Work with me Winston, it's the only thing the writers could come up with this week. |
|
|
| Get serious, Ray. |
|
|
| Then explain those! |
Ray points at ground. Peter, Winston and Slimer look down.
|
(as himself) |
| Werechicken doody. Great find, Ray. |
THEIR POV
|
(singing) |
| Point of view! Point of VIEW! POINT OF VIEW! |
Peter is standing with both feet in two enormous chicken footprints.
|
|
| AAHHH! |
EXT. -- OPEN FIELD -- NIGHT
The three Ghostbusters follow Maude's "chicken" tracks with powerful flashlights across a field spotted with haystacks. Slimer moves ahead, nose to ground like a bloodhound.
|
(as hick) |
| Yup, we're gonna catch that varmint! |
|
|
| (SNIFFS as he goes) |
|
|
| Slimer's doing drugs? That explains a lot of things ... |
|
|
| Peter! |
ANGLE ON SLIMER
He floats along above the flashlight-illuminated tracks which lead him right into the haystack. We hear a BONK from within, ...
|
|
| Ewww. |
... then:
|
|
| Ow! |
Slimer backs OUT INTO SHOT rubbing his head. He looks up and his eyes pop wide.
|
|
| (amazed GASP!) |
LOW ANGLE ON GIANT EGG
|
(as Slimer) |
| Omelette! |
The Ghostbusters ENTER SHOT and play their flashlights across the huge egg sitting atop the haystack.
|
|
| The Easter bunny motherload! |
|
(excited) |
| What'd I tell you, Peter? A werechicken egg! Gimme a hand, Winston! |
|
|
| [claps] |
WIDER ANGLE
As Ray and Winston ease the egg down off the haystack. Peter holds his PKE meter up to it.
|
(as Peter) |
| I claim this egg for Spain! |
|
|
| Look, if this is a werechicken egg, |
|
(as Peter) |
| Then I'm an incubus. |
CLOSER ANGLE -- METER
Nothing registers on the meter.
|
|
| They don't have to pay a water bill this month. |
|
|
| ... how come there's no PKE reading? |
THREESHOT
|
(as announcer) |
| In the Capital Building in Washington D.C. today. |
Ray and Winston still hold giant egg.
|
(as Winston) |
| Can we put this down now? Thanks. |
|
(looking at meter in Peter's hand) |
| I dunno... that is strange. |
|
(as himself) |
| Maybe it's a plot device. |
|
|
| Let's get it back to Headquarters and run some tests. Then maybe we'll have some answers. |
|
(as Winston) |
| Even if we don't, it's a great excuse to go out and buy stuff. |
ON RAY
|
|
| Oh no, I'm not leavin'. |
|
|
| What?! |
|
(at screen) |
| Are you nuts?! |
|
(ditto) |
| He cannot seriously be considering that option. |
|
(waving hands in front of the others' faces) |
| Hey, guys I am right here you know! |
|
|
| The werechicken that laid this has gotta be around here someplace -- and I'm gonna find it. |
|
(as Ray) |
| Or my name is not Don Quixote! |
ON PETER AND SLIMER
|
|
| What's on -- |
|
|
| Winston, I did that joke already. |
|
|
| Just ruin my moment. |
|
(throws up his hands with heavy SIGH) |
| I'll take it. |
|
|
| Sold to the man in the brown jumpsuit! |
|
|
| C'mon, Slimer. |
They take egg from Ray and Winston and start back toward Ecto-l.
|
(shaking his head; as he goes) |
| Werechickens. |
|
(as Peter) |
| Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. |
WERECHICKEN'S POV
|
(as werechicken) |
| Personally, I think this whole thing's silly. |
Through its RED EYES we see, from a distance, Peter and Slimer carrying the egg, Ray and Winston moving off in other direction.
|
|
| (BREATHING & SLOBBERING) |
|
|
| Control yourself! |
|
(hopeful) |
| A better episode? |
|
|
| No such luck, homeboy. |
|
(disappointed) |
| Damn. |
INT. -- GHOSTBUSTERS HQ - LAB - NIGHT
Egon still busy with his balloon as Peter and Slimer carry egg in through door.
|
(through above) |
| Yo, balloon man, ... |
|
(sings) |
| Have you seen the balloon man? |
|
|
| ... we've got some real work for you: ... |
|
(as himself) |
| Here's a hat and a spatula, now go flip those burgers! |
|
|
| ... How about analyzing this? |
ANOTHER ANGLE
Egon looks around, reacts to egg.
|
(as Egon) |
| It's big. |
|
|
| Interesting. That's the second biggest egg I've ever seen. |
|
(as Egon) |
| The biggest was Peter's joke at the children's hospital fundraiser. |
Peter and Slimer set egg on Egon's desk.
|
|
| I don't wanna hear about it, Egon. We've had a long night in a not-too-fragrant barnyard, so I'm taking a shower and hitting the sheets. |
|
|
| What did the sheets ever do to you? |
Peter EXITS as Slimer ZIPS in close beside Egon, elbows on desk, chin in hands, eyeing Egon and egg expectantly. Egon pushes glasses up off tip of nose and blinks at egg, not sure what to do with it.
|
|
| That's a first. |
CAMERA MOVES IN on egg and we --
|
|
| We gotta go guys. |
|
|
| How do you know? |
|
(shrugs) |
| I just do. |
|
|
| (hums the Twilight Zone theme) |
|
(warningly) |
| Raymond -- |
|
|
| Sorry, Egon. |
The Ghostbusters stand up and exit the theater.
Established August 1996
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